I think that constantly fulfilling expectations of others and also, reaching for and clinging to people and things that you understandably see as a piece of who you are can be very tiring, especially when you are effectively trying to maintain a version of yourself set to meet demands and rules that others have created.
I think that being tired from living that way is pretty natural and I'm glad you are gradually shedding that old self and building anew.
I had to pause and process your piece as I read it, especially that one part:
'My entire life, I kept gaslighting myself while remaining naïve toward others... each relationship that failed to meet my expectations was, in part, a result of my own self-deception.'
That really hit home. I finally get what you meant by 'lucid dreaming in waking life'-walking into a world that only responds to your own thoughts, meeting people who are more vivid in your imagination than in reality. It’s that familiar cycle of playing by your own internal rules while feeling like the fault lies with others.
Overall, the piece feels like a gradual slowing down, a process of stripping away the performative self. It’s not a breakdown or a sudden epiphany; it’s more like the old self is dissolving to let something new emerge.
You’ve laid out the pain, the loss, the depression, and even the procrastination, but there’s a underlying calm to it. It’s as if you’re saying: stopping and letting go of the illusion is, in itself, a form of strength and a form of truth.
And life will tear you down to show you what's worth fighting for.”
At the time, when all the tearing down is happening, it makes no sense. Much like standing an inch away from a Van Gogh makes little sense, though the soft chaos of brushstrokes can be beautiful.
It’s only when we allow the grace to step back, time to flow, then the picture/painting gains more clarity.
Never completely clear, though. Save that for journey’s end, when all the things we already once knew have been learned again.
Until then…you got this.
Your journey through story and words…so beautifully, meaningfully expressed!
The Van Gogh image will be staying with me. You’re right. When you’re an inch away from it, all you see are harsh strokes and mess and colour that doesn’t quite make sense. It doesn’t feel like art. It just feels chaotic.
Stepping back takes time. And grace. And sometimes a kind of surrender.
I also really loved what you said about learning again what we once already knew. That feels true in a quiet way. Like remembering instead of discovering. Thank you for this. And for reading it the way you did. It means more than you think.
I really do think it is more remembering than learning. A déjà vu kind of experience when our senses explode, just knowing, this is the right thing…in this precious and unique moment in time. ✨
I couldn’t be more thrilled to hear that. What you described felt like intuition, that gut feeling that tells you you’re on the right track where you just know.
I have been experiencing the same lately. Maybe this engagement was a result of our alignment, who knows. In every case, I’m very grateful that you’re here.
(i believe) When the world was small, confined to letters, villages, and soap boxes to preach from on limited corners, we could live lifetimes and never bump into a connection. The big world increases that frequency of contact by access to so much, so insanely immediate…sometimes overwhelmingly. It has never been the nonexistence of these connections. They’ve always been there…wonderful little manifestations of quantum entanglements! Ideas popping into heads and hearts simultaneously, discoveries made within the solidarity of a moment yet unknown to the counterparts strewn randomly, all across the globe. Individual stars, collectively forming a lovely constellation of shared light.
A beautiful, meaningful shining, helping to lift light from shadow’s hold.
Something like that, ima.
I tend to ramble.
☺️
I’m very grateful for this engagement and your presence here as well!!-)
It's so hard to be vulnerable and open in a world of "perfect" IG photos and "everything is fine". It seems that you've identified your feelings and shared your truth. And that's super important. Thank you for sharing this. Tbh, the more women who I see writing intimate thoughts, the braver I become. Idk that you know how other's writing is like giving us all permission to share our lives with others. And it helps. Tysm for sharing.
It’s exhausting pretending everything is fine all the time. And I think we’re all a bit tired of curated perfection. What you said about women writing intimately making you braver, means a lot to me. If this gave you even a little bit of that permission, that’s honestly everything.
Thank you for saying it so openly as well as your thoughtful engagement.
I don't remember if I ever heard life lessons being easy. I don't think they are. I find the question I ask myself is why not me? How am I attracting this type of person, maybe shallow, maybe insincere, callous? All those things that I keep experiencing that I know are not me and not what I want. So why? I try too hard to be accepted. OR I try so hard I am successful in my wanting. So I had to stop trying and start just being me because I am good enough. Thank you, IMI, for reminding me about me. And it doesn't hurt as much I thought it would.
I think that’s such an honest place to land. Not blaming, not shaming just actually looking at the pattern and asking what part we’re playing in it. The part where you said you had to stop trying and just start being… that’s exactly it. Trying so hard to be accepted can quietly pull us away from ourselves. And I love that you said it didn’t hurt as much as you thought. Sometimes we brace for impact, and instead it’s just… softer.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I just pointed you a direction, it was your choice to take the lead. Your words mean a lot to me .
This really resonated. The part about muting your intuition and running on borrowed identities felt especially true. Sometimes the exhaustion isn’t from failure—it’s from not noticing how long we’ve been performing.
There’s strength in stepping back before everything breaks. Beautifully honest, imi. 💚
Thank you so much for your most thoughtful words. It means a lot to know it resonated as beautifully as you put. I love how you put exhaustion not as a failure but as choosing presence over performance. 💚
The life of an artist- I hope this is what the future holds for you Dear. You speak with such clear reflection vivid spirit and gracefully transition between story telling and weaved in poetry. The hard times of becoming are probably part of the elevation. Rise and shine
Zoe I cannot say how much what you said here means to me. I wanted to remember each word exactly as they are so I read your comment around 3 times. I truly. hope my life unfolds as you describe. Thank you so much for seeing my presence behind my words.
I deeply enjoy how your train of thought moves with such weight, Imi.
This wearing of the heart on the sleeve has me getting to know you, & how you process your emotions, relationships, & the honesty your actions carry.
It’s been a long time that I’ve been able to know a sense of personal honesty like that. The writing here does reflect a sense of me that I don’t share. There’s a courage in decluttering the mess of illusion.
To read this was to know myself better. Thanks for being you.
I reread your comment almost four times. I can’t fully put into words how much it means to be appreciated in that way.
Writing is honestly how I face myself. I tend to mentally complicate things a lot, and through writing I get to sit with my own thoughts instead of running from them. Sometimes it feels like I step outside of myself, like I become the quiet observer of my own mind. That space is where the truth shows up.
Knowing that this essay helped you understand yourself better is genuinely the biggest gift I could ask for.
For the first 20 years of life everything about my identity was formed in response to the needs of those around me. There was no me for the sake of being me, only me for THEM. I was raised to be a tool, robot-like in my absence of self-concern.
The, almost 3 years ago, I got out. I escaped. I thought everything would be different - I thought, finally, that I could be ME.
But how do you be yourself when your self doesn't exist? I still don't know, but every day I get closer to figuring it out.
I feel like some of the lessons I should have learnt as a 5-year old, like learning how to say "I like that" or "I don't like that", I'm only just starting to learn now.
I feel behind, I feel lost, and I feel lonely - but I feel FREE, and I feel SAFE, and those are the things that matter. Everything else can be built on the foundation that those two things hold.
I wish you all the best on your journey as you deconstruct the identities that no longer serve you. One thing I try to remind myself is that "you never owe anyone a version of yourself that no longer exists". You got this.
There’s something incredibly freeing in that, but also quietly confronting. I think so much of my exhaustion came from trying to keep old versions of myself alive for the sake of consistency, or comfort, or other people’s expectations. Even when I could feel they no longer fit.
Deconstructing identity sounds dramatic when you say it out loud, but in reality it’s subtle. It’s small shifts. It’s noticing when something that used to energise you now drains you. It’s realising you’ve outgrown certain patterns but still feel responsible for maintaining them.
Your reminder reframes it. It makes it feel less like I’m losing something and more like I’m allowing something to evolve without apology.
And I think that’s the part that’s hardest. Not the change itself, but the guilt of changing.
Thank you for offering that perspective. It landed gently, but deeply.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write it.
Thank you so much for this vulnerable piece of beautiful writing and storytelling! It resonated, and my heart ached along with yours as I read it. However, there’s more to the story that came for me after that, and I look forward to hearing yours. 🧡
Thank you so much for engaging with my piece as well as well my mind flow so thoughtfully. It means a lot to have you here, feeling with me. It was truly the best part of my day to write this. I just sat down and started writing without having anything particular in mind. I guess I needed it. Thank you for sharing it with me. 🧡
I think that constantly fulfilling expectations of others and also, reaching for and clinging to people and things that you understandably see as a piece of who you are can be very tiring, especially when you are effectively trying to maintain a version of yourself set to meet demands and rules that others have created.
I think that being tired from living that way is pretty natural and I'm glad you are gradually shedding that old self and building anew.
Maintaining a version of yourself shaped around other people’s rules is exhausting. That’s exactly the fatigue.
I really appreciated how you framed it. Thank you for your thoughtful engagement.
I had to pause and process your piece as I read it, especially that one part:
'My entire life, I kept gaslighting myself while remaining naïve toward others... each relationship that failed to meet my expectations was, in part, a result of my own self-deception.'
That really hit home. I finally get what you meant by 'lucid dreaming in waking life'-walking into a world that only responds to your own thoughts, meeting people who are more vivid in your imagination than in reality. It’s that familiar cycle of playing by your own internal rules while feeling like the fault lies with others.
Overall, the piece feels like a gradual slowing down, a process of stripping away the performative self. It’s not a breakdown or a sudden epiphany; it’s more like the old self is dissolving to let something new emerge.
You’ve laid out the pain, the loss, the depression, and even the procrastination, but there’s a underlying calm to it. It’s as if you’re saying: stopping and letting go of the illusion is, in itself, a form of strength and a form of truth.
There is a line, from a song…
“And everybody falls
And life will tear you down to show you what's worth fighting for.”
At the time, when all the tearing down is happening, it makes no sense. Much like standing an inch away from a Van Gogh makes little sense, though the soft chaos of brushstrokes can be beautiful.
It’s only when we allow the grace to step back, time to flow, then the picture/painting gains more clarity.
Never completely clear, though. Save that for journey’s end, when all the things we already once knew have been learned again.
Until then…you got this.
Your journey through story and words…so beautifully, meaningfully expressed!
Lived.
The Van Gogh image will be staying with me. You’re right. When you’re an inch away from it, all you see are harsh strokes and mess and colour that doesn’t quite make sense. It doesn’t feel like art. It just feels chaotic.
Stepping back takes time. And grace. And sometimes a kind of surrender.
I also really loved what you said about learning again what we once already knew. That feels true in a quiet way. Like remembering instead of discovering. Thank you for this. And for reading it the way you did. It means more than you think.
You just helped make my day!!-)
I really do think it is more remembering than learning. A déjà vu kind of experience when our senses explode, just knowing, this is the right thing…in this precious and unique moment in time. ✨
(i believe) Something like that.
I couldn’t be more thrilled to hear that. What you described felt like intuition, that gut feeling that tells you you’re on the right track where you just know.
I have been experiencing the same lately. Maybe this engagement was a result of our alignment, who knows. In every case, I’m very grateful that you’re here.
(i believe) When the world was small, confined to letters, villages, and soap boxes to preach from on limited corners, we could live lifetimes and never bump into a connection. The big world increases that frequency of contact by access to so much, so insanely immediate…sometimes overwhelmingly. It has never been the nonexistence of these connections. They’ve always been there…wonderful little manifestations of quantum entanglements! Ideas popping into heads and hearts simultaneously, discoveries made within the solidarity of a moment yet unknown to the counterparts strewn randomly, all across the globe. Individual stars, collectively forming a lovely constellation of shared light.
A beautiful, meaningful shining, helping to lift light from shadow’s hold.
Something like that, ima.
I tend to ramble.
☺️
I’m very grateful for this engagement and your presence here as well!!-)
It's so hard to be vulnerable and open in a world of "perfect" IG photos and "everything is fine". It seems that you've identified your feelings and shared your truth. And that's super important. Thank you for sharing this. Tbh, the more women who I see writing intimate thoughts, the braver I become. Idk that you know how other's writing is like giving us all permission to share our lives with others. And it helps. Tysm for sharing.
It’s exhausting pretending everything is fine all the time. And I think we’re all a bit tired of curated perfection. What you said about women writing intimately making you braver, means a lot to me. If this gave you even a little bit of that permission, that’s honestly everything.
Thank you for saying it so openly as well as your thoughtful engagement.
You're moving forward 🫶🫶🫶
Thank you 🫶
I don't remember if I ever heard life lessons being easy. I don't think they are. I find the question I ask myself is why not me? How am I attracting this type of person, maybe shallow, maybe insincere, callous? All those things that I keep experiencing that I know are not me and not what I want. So why? I try too hard to be accepted. OR I try so hard I am successful in my wanting. So I had to stop trying and start just being me because I am good enough. Thank you, IMI, for reminding me about me. And it doesn't hurt as much I thought it would.
I think that’s such an honest place to land. Not blaming, not shaming just actually looking at the pattern and asking what part we’re playing in it. The part where you said you had to stop trying and just start being… that’s exactly it. Trying so hard to be accepted can quietly pull us away from ourselves. And I love that you said it didn’t hurt as much as you thought. Sometimes we brace for impact, and instead it’s just… softer.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I just pointed you a direction, it was your choice to take the lead. Your words mean a lot to me .
thank you
You are on your path! I really appreciate you pouring your heart on the page. ❤️
Thank you so much Hannah. I appreciate you always ♥️
This really resonated. The part about muting your intuition and running on borrowed identities felt especially true. Sometimes the exhaustion isn’t from failure—it’s from not noticing how long we’ve been performing.
There’s strength in stepping back before everything breaks. Beautifully honest, imi. 💚
Thank you so much for your most thoughtful words. It means a lot to know it resonated as beautifully as you put. I love how you put exhaustion not as a failure but as choosing presence over performance. 💚
Thanks for sharing such a beautiful piece of work once again Imi...This is excellent
This one asked to be written really, I found myself writing all of a sudden. Thank you so much my loveliest friend Hina, it means a lot.
The life of an artist- I hope this is what the future holds for you Dear. You speak with such clear reflection vivid spirit and gracefully transition between story telling and weaved in poetry. The hard times of becoming are probably part of the elevation. Rise and shine
Zoe I cannot say how much what you said here means to me. I wanted to remember each word exactly as they are so I read your comment around 3 times. I truly. hope my life unfolds as you describe. Thank you so much for seeing my presence behind my words.
the wrong people teach you the right lessons imi.
That’s such an on point statement. I really agree. Thank you for reading and engaging.
I deeply enjoy how your train of thought moves with such weight, Imi.
This wearing of the heart on the sleeve has me getting to know you, & how you process your emotions, relationships, & the honesty your actions carry.
It’s been a long time that I’ve been able to know a sense of personal honesty like that. The writing here does reflect a sense of me that I don’t share. There’s a courage in decluttering the mess of illusion.
To read this was to know myself better. Thanks for being you.
I reread your comment almost four times. I can’t fully put into words how much it means to be appreciated in that way.
Writing is honestly how I face myself. I tend to mentally complicate things a lot, and through writing I get to sit with my own thoughts instead of running from them. Sometimes it feels like I step outside of myself, like I become the quiet observer of my own mind. That space is where the truth shows up.
Knowing that this essay helped you understand yourself better is genuinely the biggest gift I could ask for.
Thank you for sharing that with me.
Super comforting to hear 💓Cluttered messes are where we teach ourselves congruency, strength, & meaning from our lives
Thank you so much for sharing.
I can relate to this so much.
For the first 20 years of life everything about my identity was formed in response to the needs of those around me. There was no me for the sake of being me, only me for THEM. I was raised to be a tool, robot-like in my absence of self-concern.
The, almost 3 years ago, I got out. I escaped. I thought everything would be different - I thought, finally, that I could be ME.
But how do you be yourself when your self doesn't exist? I still don't know, but every day I get closer to figuring it out.
I feel like some of the lessons I should have learnt as a 5-year old, like learning how to say "I like that" or "I don't like that", I'm only just starting to learn now.
I feel behind, I feel lost, and I feel lonely - but I feel FREE, and I feel SAFE, and those are the things that matter. Everything else can be built on the foundation that those two things hold.
I wish you all the best on your journey as you deconstruct the identities that no longer serve you. One thing I try to remind myself is that "you never owe anyone a version of yourself that no longer exists". You got this.
There’s something incredibly freeing in that, but also quietly confronting. I think so much of my exhaustion came from trying to keep old versions of myself alive for the sake of consistency, or comfort, or other people’s expectations. Even when I could feel they no longer fit.
Deconstructing identity sounds dramatic when you say it out loud, but in reality it’s subtle. It’s small shifts. It’s noticing when something that used to energise you now drains you. It’s realising you’ve outgrown certain patterns but still feel responsible for maintaining them.
Your reminder reframes it. It makes it feel less like I’m losing something and more like I’m allowing something to evolve without apology.
And I think that’s the part that’s hardest. Not the change itself, but the guilt of changing.
Thank you for offering that perspective. It landed gently, but deeply.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write it.
So true >>>>relationships are the same. They leave us in the rubble of a battlefield where only ruins remain.
I’m so glad it landed! I really appreciate the resonance. Thank you for reading and engaging.
Beautiful, raw and authentic work here, imi. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you so much Lynn. Writing this felt like a late night drive. I’m really glad you enjoyed.
Ha! Love that. I need more of those. Literally and figuratively.
Thank you so much for this vulnerable piece of beautiful writing and storytelling! It resonated, and my heart ached along with yours as I read it. However, there’s more to the story that came for me after that, and I look forward to hearing yours. 🧡
Thank you so much for engaging with my piece as well as well my mind flow so thoughtfully. It means a lot to have you here, feeling with me. It was truly the best part of my day to write this. I just sat down and started writing without having anything particular in mind. I guess I needed it. Thank you for sharing it with me. 🧡